Heavy Hearted

I feel very heavy hearted today over just a wide array of things. I am not necessarily down, or overwhelmed, just a lot on my mind about things, people and my own sinful nature. I think about how satan likes us to keep things to ourselves inside. It's how he maintains control over out lives, but once it is aired his grip loosens. Because of this I want to just open up for a moment and I would encourage you to post if you happen to stop by, please.

I feel for the most part my heart and feelings towards others are pure (well at least as pure as a sinful person can be?). But I know inadvertently I have hurt people with out meaning too. And I think about those people whom I may have hurt down the road of life and this pilgrimage to be more like Jesus. I know that this may sound general, but I am just speaking my feelings at this stage, I am sorry. I am so sorry that I have hurt you, it surely has never been my intent in my heart to do so. I also feel as though i have let people down - most importantly my savior - Jesus Christ. As I strive to be like Him, I realize how radical that looks in this world - even to some other believers and I am not trying to be "holier than thy" but who Jesus was - was radical - are you with me on this? Maybe I am way off base. I try to keep my eyes fixed on Him and I strive so hard to be like Him, but I let him down, I hurt others, and I am so not worthy, when the truth be told. But my intentions are not to hurt, but to love. I sometimes feel social inadept(sp?) to express my feelings, yet remember not to inadvertantly hurt someone else, but somehow manage to do so regularly. I really stink at this.

I miss my friend, my right arm, my bud, Erin. Even though this transition back to reality has by God's grace just gone more smoothly than anticipated - I still miss you girl! I can't wait to see you in Paris. I miss my other friends too. Gina and Tanya and Patti. I miss you guys - even though you don't read my blog. I find it hard to stay in communication with them and I feel us drifting apart unintentionally. I desire a deep friendship close to home like I had with each of these people who have impacted my life. I find women are hard to open up. My heart goes out to them, especially my first small group of women here, whom bless their hearts, were always open. I love them. And now, the group God has entrusted to me this year to lead. Only two of the 7 showed up last Tuesday. I was so sad. I genuinely have a love for each of them - in different ways. And I wish I knew how to express that to each of them without coming across as strange. Is anyone with me on this? But how do you reach out to people? I fear getting on the phone and calling because my children most definately will scream and throw fits, or I am just paralysed with fear to call people - don't know why - I guess I am just messed up that way. I am also thinking of Jami, Megan, and Leslie. I deeply desire to know them more. I don't know how to connect with you ladies. I mean you each have your own, never ending supply of friends. I love you each and I think about you and your families so much. Here I am with what feels like no one most of the time. Thank God for Jesus - I mean if I didn't have him, I don't know how I would manage to keep going on. And now I think about my husband, whom I love so dearly. And how desperately I wish he knew Jesus like I do. I mean the things Jesus has done in my life is simply unreal - it's just a miracle.... My eyes are open, I get things I never got before.... I think about my sister, I love her so much and she is such a beautiful person inside - if you don't know her, you should - she'll just change your life forever. I love you. Of course my parents - I don't know where they stand spiritually, but I have been trying to reach out to them. I find it difficult though. There is a lot of pride on both ends and I pray that I can move past mine and God would soften their hearts to Him. I don't want to go to heaven with out either of them. And recently I have been getting into facebook. I have reconnected with so many classmates from school, some whom I felt hurt by growing up, but it is amazing what time and perspective can do to people and I thank God for each one of them.

I think about my own sinful nature. My biggest sins right now are food and controlling the sugar in my life. I can't help it I am a sugar addict - just like dad. I feel trapped in this gotta have sugar or something sweet all the time. Despite taking vitamins and what not, I crave sweet things so much. I feel like a slave to it. And now I can never find the time to exercise. I am "hands on" most of the time all day - this is why I hardly post, I lack to email. I am just thankful that I can get in the word most days - the most important thing. My other biggest sin is spending money. While I don't think I am overboard at all, I know that it is probably not under control in the way it should be. To some degree, it is just a way to get out of the house - b/c I feel trapped here alot. B/c there is no time for "me" or freedom to do "fun things" - I guess this is a release of sorts for me. I need to get it better under control though. Pray for me.

I love my kids.... Morgan is finally managable, but I have to just stay on top of her a lot. At least she is not so out of control and crazy like in the past. She has seemed to somewhat have come closer to level. Praise God! Addie is a momma's girl but she is so sweet. Too cute for her own good you know!?! I can't wait until Kyle gets back after being gone for two weeks....I could use some me time and we time.

I am actually so happy to be done working and really do not have a desire to go back next summer - truly - I really don't want to, but I know I will. It is so much, and so stressful teaching the arts and crafts. And I am so down on the women's clothing - b/c nobody buys....it's frustrating. I don't blame them, I mean - I would go to TJ Max or Marshalls for my golfwear too. Who wants to pay full price or sale price. The things are so adorable, but when you can get two or three outfits for the price these things are?? But it is also in part our compensation. Enough said about that.

I am still not sure about Halloween......it is so over the top any more. DO you know that it brings in more money than Christmas??? How is that possible? Look at your neighbors yard....or the prices they want for a costume.... sick, just sick - sorry if I have offended you. I just don't think I can see Jesus dressing up and going out with the disciples..... Although, I could be wrong.

So, this is my heart today.... well, most days, but today it feels heavier than most. And I have a ragging headache that does not want to go away.