Hupomene While God Teaches and Molds Clay

"Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty." Job 5:17

I gotta tell you that God's hand is heavy upon me. He is disciplining me with a good beating. I thought last week was bad, but this week has been so much worse and I am just struggling under all this. How do we stand when God's hand is so heavy. When the disapline is so harsh? Do I deserve it? Who am I to judge the creator and life giver of this universe?? I deserve it because God has allowed it. And i have repented, Oh my God - I am so sorry for the *thing* I did that has taken glory away from your name.

You know when God is teaching you something and you know it? You know when he is testing you to see if your response is right? My heart is rebellious indeed - I know by the way I want to respond - but I don't - b/c I know that I am to be light, but God sees past my politically Godly correct answer to my wicked heart. So, this is what I hate about being in this sinful body. My flesh rages inside and my heart cries out to be vindicated. Sin. It is still sin. To some degree I am relieved that at least I can control my words and actions now - which would have been impossible a few years back. At the least (and that is the best I have to offer) I am *hopefully* not causing someone else to stumble or sin with me.

I have been relieved of my duties as a small group leader this year with 6 weeks to go. I am not mad at the people above me - b/c God allowed it, so it has to be from Him....and I am not mad at God either...b/c secretly, I feel like I can breathe again - it was a HuGe responsibility. And I gave it my all and I petitioned God for the help and blessing on the group. God knew, He knew I was struggling though. I mean two kids and two inductive bible studies (I go to CBS as well - I can't give up such an awesome Children's program). What was I thinking??? I was so sure that I felt led to step out and serve - I would have bet my life on it! But there were signs along the way... I was scared out of my mind, nearly paralyzed to move....I chaulked it up to Satan's attacks. There were other things too, but not appropriate to mention here. But again, I trusted that God would move and conquer as long as I stayed the course. And maybe this was not my season to lead. Or maybe, God was placing a desire in my heart for the future. I guess I am just eager and willing to serve my Awesome God. So the result is that I pick up my belongings and move from one table in the room to another. How humiliating. And I had to write a letter from my heart to my group asking for forgiveness.

Then little things that have really tested my self-control in my attitude....

At the check out counter the clerk says to me, "I hope you get rid of the pacifier before it ruins her teeth." You KNOW what I wAnTeD to do, right!?!

Yesterday at the roller rink (mom's outing with the kids before school).... I was holding Addie and roller skating and holding Morgan's hand.... Yeah, yeah, I know....and there it is - sin! But I guess b/c I have such an awesome sense of balance and body awareness I would be ok and we were not moving more than a snail's pace. So I got "told." You KNOW what I wAnTeD to do, right!?!

Yesterday again in the locker room at the gym....."you know there is a family changing room you and your kids can use." Yeah, I knew that - but I was told it was for opposite sex children....Still sin! Sin! You see my heart?

Today, I get an email with the small group covenant. I have seen this nearly a hundred times....I know what it says.... the email was addressed to me and one other person joining the group. Sin. Sin. Sin. Ugh!!

Then I tapped a mini-van in front of me at the car wash b/c my foot slid off the brake. You know when you put your foot on the edge??? And my shoe was wet and I didn't realize it... The lady wasn't crazy, but she still chewed me out and even though I asked for her forgiveness and appologized....You KNOW what I wAnTeD to do!?!? Arghhhhh.....

And on the list goes....What do you think? Is God working in my life??? Why is so hard to submit? I am trying....it is killing me inside....I am "appearing" to do the right thing, but my heart is just wicked inside.

Lord, change my heart as only you can. Place in me a new heart as only you do. Make me like you sweet Jesus even as hard as it is....hold me up in this, b/c I can't walk and I can't talk. Fill my mouth with your words. Dry my tears b/c they won't stop flowing.....heal me from this sin and please forgive me. In Jesus's name, I ask. Amen.

Is God speaking to you too? Are you heeding or remaining under (hupomene!)? Where is your heart. God give us strength to live in these sinful bodies and this sinful world....