Then on Wednesday the kids celebrated Wacky Wednesday. The kids even did their math work in school by writing in wacky numbers as answers. It was a good laugh for the moms when we opened their homework folders to find all the silly answers too!
I had no idea what to do about a white lab coat - then I remembered I had a white jacket! It worked great! Praise God!
Out on the rink!
Linnea and Morgan (aka - double trouble!). Like their princess cowgirl hats??
Eating pizza with friends before we go to school.
Wednesday was observation day at Morgan's Ballet with Tap class. Apparently though I didn't realize that....so I videoed with my phone. It isn't the best quality picture, but you can see how she is doing. I am anticipating her recital day!
"Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty." Job 5:17
I gotta tell you that God's hand is heavy upon me. He is disciplining me with a good beating. I thought last week was bad, but this week has been so much worse and I am just struggling under all this. How do we stand when God's hand is so heavy. When the disapline is so harsh? Do I deserve it? Who am I to judge the creator and life giver of this universe?? I deserve it because God has allowed it. And i have repented, Oh my God - I am so sorry for the *thing* I did that has taken glory away from your name.
You know when God is teaching you something and you know it? You know when he is testing you to see if your response is right? My heart is rebellious indeed - I know by the way I want to respond - but I don't - b/c I know that I am to be light, but God sees past my politically Godly correct answer to my wicked heart. So, this is what I hate about being in this sinful body. My flesh rages inside and my heart cries out to be vindicated. Sin. It is still sin. To some degree I am relieved that at least I can control my words and actions now - which would have been impossible a few years back. At the least (and that is the best I have to offer) I am *hopefully* not causing someone else to stumble or sin with me.
I have been relieved of my duties as a small group leader this year with 6 weeks to go. I am not mad at the people above me - b/c God allowed it, so it has to be from Him....and I am not mad at God either...b/c secretly, I feel like I can breathe again - it was a HuGe responsibility. And I gave it my all and I petitioned God for the help and blessing on the group. God knew, He knew I was struggling though. I mean two kids and two inductive bible studies (I go to CBS as well - I can't give up such an awesome Children's program). What was I thinking??? I was so sure that I felt led to step out and serve - I would have bet my life on it! But there were signs along the way... I was scared out of my mind, nearly paralyzed to move....I chaulked it up to Satan's attacks. There were other things too, but not appropriate to mention here. But again, I trusted that God would move and conquer as long as I stayed the course. And maybe this was not my season to lead. Or maybe, God was placing a desire in my heart for the future. I guess I am just eager and willing to serve my Awesome God. So the result is that I pick up my belongings and move from one table in the room to another. How humiliating. And I had to write a letter from my heart to my group asking for forgiveness.
Then little things that have really tested my self-control in my attitude....
At the check out counter the clerk says to me, "I hope you get rid of the pacifier before it ruins her teeth." You KNOW what I wAnTeD to do, right!?!
Yesterday at the roller rink (mom's outing with the kids before school).... I was holding Addie and roller skating and holding Morgan's hand.... Yeah, yeah, I know....and there it is - sin! But I guess b/c I have such an awesome sense of balance and body awareness I would be ok and we were not moving more than a snail's pace. So I got "told." You KNOW what I wAnTeD to do, right!?!
Yesterday again in the locker room at the gym....."you know there is a family changing room you and your kids can use." Yeah, I knew that - but I was told it was for opposite sex children....Still sin! Sin! You see my heart?
Today, I get an email with the small group covenant. I have seen this nearly a hundred times....I know what it says.... the email was addressed to me and one other person joining the group. Sin. Sin. Sin. Ugh!!
Then I tapped a mini-van in front of me at the car wash b/c my foot slid off the brake. You know when you put your foot on the edge??? And my shoe was wet and I didn't realize it... The lady wasn't crazy, but she still chewed me out and even though I asked for her forgiveness and appologized....You KNOW what I wAnTeD to do!?!? Arghhhhh.....
And on the list goes....What do you think? Is God working in my life??? Why is so hard to submit? I am trying....it is killing me inside....I am "appearing" to do the right thing, but my heart is just wicked inside.
Lord, change my heart as only you can. Place in me a new heart as only you do. Make me like you sweet Jesus even as hard as it is....hold me up in this, b/c I can't walk and I can't talk. Fill my mouth with your words. Dry my tears b/c they won't stop flowing.....heal me from this sin and please forgive me. In Jesus's name, I ask. Amen.
Is God speaking to you too? Are you heeding or remaining under (hupomene!)? Where is your heart. God give us strength to live in these sinful bodies and this sinful world....
I had a dream last night that has lingered in my mind all day. It was disturbing and my response in the dream is what disturbed me the most. Before I go on though, I must lay somewhat of a foundation for understanding where this dream came from and why.
I have been noticing that Pastor James has been speaking and touching on end times a lot recently (I don't know for about the past 6 + mos or so I've noticed). And each time it has been brought up, my interest has been peaked. It has been on my mind - too much maybe. But I guess there is nothing wrong with being interested in somthing that pertains to the future and especially God's word.
("Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him. Matt 24:42-44)
So recently (over the past few months or so) I have began digging into end times. Have you been noticing what is going on in our world?? I mean the earth is revolting from our even inceasing and disgusting sin. Our economy is definately a one world economy. The collapse of our nation is imminent (this is my opinion and based on research). The time is near....near....near....near - I would argue seconds are on the clock. Like I have said I have done tons and hours and hours of research on this subject and I have pretty strong convictions regarding differing points of view.
One in particular is the rapture. Everyone has heard of the rapture and what it is. And shockingly, I would say the majority of the population believes that this will occur before the tribulation. I have scoured my bible and reputable internet sites trying to find supporting scripure. Friends, I have news that really shook my foundation of what I believed (and this was not what had previously I learned on my own). No, I am not a bible scholar, but God told us He gave us His spirit that we might be able to understand His word. Simply put, I just don't see how the rapture can occur before the tribulation. Someday - God willing - I will present my case before you as to why, but you too can search the scriptures to discern what is true. While, I am convinced that the rature will not occur before the tribulation, I am still not completely sure as too when it will occur - meaning mid or post tribulation. God has told us the hour and day we will not know - how can we?? But He has certainly given us enough "clues" about when to be ready.
Anyway, so this reality (if nothing short of a possibility) has really made it difficult to swallow. I just was never prepared for that. Last night, I had a really wild dream.... the antichrist will make us professing Christians suffer. He is going to make life so difficult....
In my dream, and it is a little fuzzy at this point, I realized who the beast was and once I did and was face to face with him, he knew that I knew who he was. He also knew that I was a Christian. I was with Morgan, and so (fuzzy area) I began to tell her everything I knew to prepare her (b/c that's what mom's do - we prep, prep and prep some more our kids). But in the midst of that I was taken away. I was terrified, b/c I knew this was the end of my life. Facing your own mortality is never a moment of reality you want to come too. And if it's gotta happen, well, don't you want it over quick?? But Christ suffered before His crucifixion and during. He layed down His life for us, that we may have eternal life thru Him. To go the "easy way out" just seems cowardly - especially in light of what He did for us. At some point I realized I had been intentionally poisoned by some food I had been eating. I layed there half in this world, half out. And he came over to me and began to tell me how he was going to make me pay for following Christ. All I wanted was to have some more of that poison, so I could slip out without suffering to much. How I desired it, how I longed for it in my dream, because I didn't want to suffer. Then I heard the baby crying.....you know, Addison - reality, not the dream.
I woke up and prayed immediately. I asked Jesus to forgive me. I was really really upset. I was upset that knowing today, if my life was to be taken because of my love for Jesus, I would give it up for Him in a heart beat. I was always confident that I would suffer for him too. But this dream revealed something different to me. I was so sad, so upset, so mad that I had what seemed "failed my Savior." That feeling was very real. And I wonder today, where my heart really, truly is. I don't want to go out, without leaving a big message to those around me that - Jesus is King!! He is worth dying for!! I know this all seems so radical, but it very possibly could be a reality some day.
"I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened." Matthew 24:34
What would you do?
